Becky...Look At Her Butt...

So I had the baby right? But guess what? My body looks like pure shit.

It's been 6 months now and my stomach is even bigger. I've always had an issue gaining weight but now? Not so much. Apparently all those Eggos in the morning are bad for you. Pants don't fit. Skirts with ELASTIC don't fit. And to top off this lovely shit pie, 2 people still think I'm pregnant. PREGNANT.

I do like my butt though. It's bigger and I don't mind. But I do mind feeling like a whale. Yes, I know I don't LOOK like one, but I feel like one. I feel ugly. I feel fat. And the thing that doesn't help? Everyone telling me that I shouldn't feel the way I do because I look great. Just sympathize with me please. I'm throwing myself a fatty pity party and eating the cake too. I know I need to tone my stomach, but I also have a crazy 6 month old at home.

I'm not even going to touch how shitty I feel at my job in this post, but couple both of those together and I'm just a fucked up piece of whale. I want to crawl into a hole and come out sometime in September maybe. :(

Thieves, I Tell You

Someone stole my calculator while I was away on a business trip last week. I'm a little peeved, considering the portion of this department that I run relies on me hand calculating GPA's. Here is the email I'd like to send:

Dear (INSERT COMPANY HERE),

 

I am the manager of (insert job title here), along with other duties. Part of managing this is knowing how to calculate GPA's by hand. The instrument that facilitates this process is called a calculator.

I used to own one last week, until I traveled for one of my services for 3 business days only to return to a calculator-less desk.

I'm not sure how you expect me to manage this without A CALCULATOR but its cool. Keep the damn calculator punk.

 

Faithfully yours in Christ,
Isabella

Face your Facebook

A girl came up to me today in the kitchen at work....while I was making my morning coffee....and says the following:
"Facebook suggested that I 'friend' you the other day. I have a personal policy that I DON'T friend people that I work with. However, I was looking at pictures of your daughter and she is SOOOO cute."

First of all, I couldn't give a rats ass if we were friends on Facebook. Know why? Because my profile is super duper private ANYWAY. Which further tells me that SECONDLY, you were stalking me. Because you can only see my profile through other people that we may be mutual friends with. Third, this also means that you must be friends with someone you work with because that's the ONLY way we know each other. Work. Please stop looking at pictures of my kid then, if you're so against work and Facebook intermingling in your life. I will not hesitate to call you a Chester if you keep it up.

Off the McNuggets

Some chick that I work with went to my boss today (oh yea, I'm off maternity leave) to complain. She wanted to complain about the phantom person who keeps eating everyone's food in the fridge. Well this girl is crazy anyway; she labeled her own drawer in the fridge to keep her shit in (who DOES that).

So she went to my boss and said "I really just need to let you know that someone ate my Chicken McNuggets. They were in my drawer and-and someone keeps eating my food. This is wrong." My boss said, "Are you for real with this?" She replied, "Yes. And not to make this any more grosser or anything, but it was 2 1/2 McNuggets. So someone ate the 1/2 of a nugget I started."

Somewhere along the line, I missed the memo about us working at Lil Tots Daycare and McNugget Haven.