Becky...Look At Her Butt...

So I had the baby right? But guess what? My body looks like pure shit.

It's been 6 months now and my stomach is even bigger. I've always had an issue gaining weight but now? Not so much. Apparently all those Eggos in the morning are bad for you. Pants don't fit. Skirts with ELASTIC don't fit. And to top off this lovely shit pie, 2 people still think I'm pregnant. PREGNANT.

I do like my butt though. It's bigger and I don't mind. But I do mind feeling like a whale. Yes, I know I don't LOOK like one, but I feel like one. I feel ugly. I feel fat. And the thing that doesn't help? Everyone telling me that I shouldn't feel the way I do because I look great. Just sympathize with me please. I'm throwing myself a fatty pity party and eating the cake too. I know I need to tone my stomach, but I also have a crazy 6 month old at home.

I'm not even going to touch how shitty I feel at my job in this post, but couple both of those together and I'm just a fucked up piece of whale. I want to crawl into a hole and come out sometime in September maybe. :(

Thieves, I Tell You

Someone stole my calculator while I was away on a business trip last week. I'm a little peeved, considering the portion of this department that I run relies on me hand calculating GPA's. Here is the email I'd like to send:

Dear (INSERT COMPANY HERE),

 

I am the manager of (insert job title here), along with other duties. Part of managing this is knowing how to calculate GPA's by hand. The instrument that facilitates this process is called a calculator.

I used to own one last week, until I traveled for one of my services for 3 business days only to return to a calculator-less desk.

I'm not sure how you expect me to manage this without A CALCULATOR but its cool. Keep the damn calculator punk.

 

Faithfully yours in Christ,
Isabella

Face your Facebook

A girl came up to me today in the kitchen at work....while I was making my morning coffee....and says the following:
"Facebook suggested that I 'friend' you the other day. I have a personal policy that I DON'T friend people that I work with. However, I was looking at pictures of your daughter and she is SOOOO cute."

First of all, I couldn't give a rats ass if we were friends on Facebook. Know why? Because my profile is super duper private ANYWAY. Which further tells me that SECONDLY, you were stalking me. Because you can only see my profile through other people that we may be mutual friends with. Third, this also means that you must be friends with someone you work with because that's the ONLY way we know each other. Work. Please stop looking at pictures of my kid then, if you're so against work and Facebook intermingling in your life. I will not hesitate to call you a Chester if you keep it up.

Off the McNuggets

Some chick that I work with went to my boss today (oh yea, I'm off maternity leave) to complain. She wanted to complain about the phantom person who keeps eating everyone's food in the fridge. Well this girl is crazy anyway; she labeled her own drawer in the fridge to keep her shit in (who DOES that).

So she went to my boss and said "I really just need to let you know that someone ate my Chicken McNuggets. They were in my drawer and-and someone keeps eating my food. This is wrong." My boss said, "Are you for real with this?" She replied, "Yes. And not to make this any more grosser or anything, but it was 2 1/2 McNuggets. So someone ate the 1/2 of a nugget I started."

Somewhere along the line, I missed the memo about us working at Lil Tots Daycare and McNugget Haven.

Myles

I was a sophomore in college and volunteered for an event where we play with special needs kids all day. It was a campus-wide event, and was always fairly large. This is where I met Myles. I immediately fell in love. He had soft curly hair and kept looking at me all day.

At the end of the day, we eventually started talking and I found out he was in law school, so a little older than I was. In his eyes though, it turned out that he was TOO old for me, at the very end of the day. But he at least feigned interest for awhile. We exchanged phone numbers and I was smitten. Of course I was, it doesn't take much for me to wet my panties. He shows up to a few things on campus that I'm involved in and even drove me home one evening. So I'm thinking, OF COURSE he likes me. Maybe he's just hesitant early on.

A few weeks after not hearing much from him I see him on campus. He at least recognizes me and I see him with another black girl. He says "Hey, how are you? How have you been?" I say, "Uh, good. I never heard from you about getting together this week." His response was, "Hey have I introduced you to my girlfriend?"

Heart. Stabbed. Loss of breath. Because I knew her and she was somewhat of a mentor to me.

"Um, no, oh ok. Hi. Nice to meet you."

Turns out, she was also in law school. He mentioned to me that he didn't think it would work, you know with the age difference. I said, no I didn't know that. And walked away. And each time I saw him after that was this awkward kind of "I'm not that fond of men right now" feeling.

Why am I telling this story now? Because I was a sophomore with loose feelings in college, thinking that every man that crossed my path wanted to be with me forever and ever. It's funny how we grow, how we evolve. How we learn and get over it all. I think the best feeling was seeing him and her a few years down the line in the campus bookstore, after I received both degrees. We awkwardly greeted each other and then said to him, "Oh hi, have you met my fiancé?"

The Junk

I have an obsession:

I look at junk. I can't help it. I fantasize about man junk. If I'm talking to a dude, sometimes, my eyes just drift downward. It's like a guy who looks at a girls tits when she's talking. I just look at junk through the pants and my mind wanders. I think, "Is it big? Is it chubby? Is it small and insignificant? Does it make him feel like a confident man or is he overcompensating?" I like to make up myths, like "If he's not that attractive, he must be bigger down there...I mean, he's gotta have something, right?" I look at some of my co-workers like this too. I just can't help it. I'm a junk fiend.

Wild Dreams

So one piece of information that will make this post make sense: I'm pregnant.

Since I've been pregnant, my dreams have been INSANE. Very detailed, makes me feel like I'm really there. One specific dream woke me out of my slumber to find myself using the sheets as a masturbatory tool. I was pregnant in this dream, and I knew I was. But I was on a cruise and I was packing a bag in my room when a guy walked in. This guy, Mike, was someone that was a student at the university I worked at after getting my Master's degree (this is not the dream). So there was only a 3 year age gap, but I worked there while he was still  a student. We developed somewhat of a flirtatious relationship, even though I was engaged to be married.

So he's in this dream and in real life I know he has a girlfriend, and I also knew this in the dream. He also knew I was married in the dream, but in this tiny cruise ship room, we start making out and screwing like 15 year olds discovering that their parents won't be home for a few hours. It was sweaty and hot and apparently hot enough to wake me up. It was one of those "DAMN, why did I wake up? Shit Shit Shit. It was that dream that makes you want to fall back asleep and see if you can pick up where you left off.

Unfortunately, I just went to take my 2nd piss of the night and the dream became a distant memory instead of something I could finish. Don't think I still don't think about it though.....